Stagnation

Here I am writing to you again from another sleepless night hoping that writing will let me sleep. For the record, I passed out shortly after finishing my last entry. 

We all have different ways of coping with the realities of this world. I have been connecting with my spiritual side of late and having visions of spirit animals I hope to guide me in the way I need to go. Today, I spent money on petrified wood and my two year old felt it needed to go on my eye to help me meditate and lo and behold, I saw an axolotl and a jellyfish. Upon research, I discovered, the jellyfish has to do with trusting your own instinct and going with the flow but protecting your own identity. And the axolotl has to do with healing and retaining youthfulness and playfulness in the face of trauma. This all felt apropos to my current circumstances as I just lost my job and am coping with my next phase in life whether that be a full time mother for a short while or starting my own business as a life coach. New adventures are terrifying and full of unknowns. Yet, they are crucial to the human existence. 

My parents are fundamentalists. Their house is old and messy and dusty and filled to the brim with broken things that will probably never be fixed. Filled with bric a brac that has long since passed its sell by date. And my parents.. they are the same people I knew as a child. The same damage. The same habits. The same routine. The same fights. The same everything. I became allergic to things from that house shortly after leaving it. But I remember sensing an evil spirit in that house all throughout my childhood. As it happens, the place I sensed the spirit is where they just replaced some piping that had been eaten away. I think the evil spirit I sensed was stagnation. A build up of frustration and anger and fear that had become stuck over a lifetime in that house. And it made me physically ill. Humans need change. And yes, it's scary. But not nearly as scary as that evil spirit. So as my grandmother used to say: onward, brave cowards. 

Cheers.